Meathooks Outduel Go'nads

The stubborn, stout Smash and Go'nads faced off against the maniacal Meathooks in a case of trench warfare. The Go'nads came off a disappointing tie versus the Blueriver Wardoves in their last match, while the Meathooks were taken by surprise when the upstart Bloodsand Blasters squeezed out a 1-0 victory against the orcs.

Hostilities opened with a high kick which couldn't be reined in by Dick Gozinia, but the dwarves were anything but discouraged. Stu Padasso, blitzed his way into the face of black orc Beefquake, who fell to the earth with a thunderous thump. The medics went to work quickly however, and the big fella shrugged off what could have been a crippling injury. To make matters worse for the Meathooks, Euin Whatarmy, dwarf troll slayer and all-around dangerous fellow, shoved star orc blitzer Beef Bigaxe into the restless crowd, and suffered for it as his hand was viciously smashed against the guardrail. Bigaxe is expected to be sidelined for his next game.

The orcs needed a response and they got one, from the hard-working Hamfist Goreguts. Goreguts lined up dwarf runner Adam Meway and ran him into the ground, leaving the sore dwarf out for the match and likely the next one too. The dwarves managed to get the ball moving downfield in the meantime, but couldn't capitalize on the drive when Stu Padasso took a tumble on the goal line and lost possession. In desperation, orc blitzer Moose Burger hurled the ball down the pitch, but there was no one nearby when it landed. For the time being, the Meathooks were happy just not to be trailing in a second consecutive game.

In the push to get back to the ball, line orc Hamfist Goreguts again left his boot mark on the match as he trampled runner Dick Gozinia, nearly breaking the dwarf's leg. The apothecaries were well prepared, though, and Gozinia was unscarred and rejoined the team the following drive. Picking up the loose ball, Moe Lester of the Smash and Go'nads attempted a deep pass of his own, only to drop the ball on the windup, dropping it off the helmet of lineman Eric Shun, who managed to hold onto it. Lester was seriously off his game today, as he subsequently failed to take the handoff from Shun immediately thereafter. The first half wound down without any actual scoring, though Lockjaw the line orc managed to shove Euin Whatarmy out of bounds and through a poorly assembled bleacher, and the troll slayer was removed from the match to deal with several dozen deep splinters.

Set to receive for the second half, the Meathooks prepped their famous goblin toss strategy, hoping that their better mobility would leave the dwarf team flagging behind them as they ran in for a touchdown. Regrettably the play couldn't get off the drawing board safely, as the dwarven coverage proved too good to eliminate threats to the goblins. Stu Padasso redeemed himself for his earlier gaffe by laying out the hapless Bacon Sandwich and leaving him with a permanent, chronic lower back injury. In brutal response, the mighty Beefquake charged into line dwarf Phil DeGrave, positively leveling the dwarf beneath his enormous girth and breaking his neck like a fortune cookie in a pile driver. The orcs hoped that this would afford them the space they needed for another shot at the goblin toss, but Hammish still couldn't get his grubby little mitts on it and it squirted free. Trying again, the determined little green man snatched up the football and scampered laterally until he was in the clear at midfield and tossed the ball across the pitch to the lurking Moose Burger. Burger couldn't get a handle on the wild throw though, and Dick Gozinia of the Go'nads instead scooped it up from where it lay. Gozinia attempted a high-risk handoff, but was not rewarded. Pouncing on the loose ball, Burger hurtled past the remaining dwarven defenders and spiked the football triumphantly in the end zone for the game's first score.

The Smash and Go'nads had little time to stage a comeback, but the Meathooks made it easy for them to get started. Another high kick allowed Dick Gozinia to get great field position, and Gil T. Azell cleared some space by shoving Grunt Skunchman out of bounds. Determined not to give an inch, though, line orc Rip Steakface throttled the aforementioned Azell, leaving him out of contention for the remainder of the match. The dwarves pressed and pushed, but couldn't make any headway. As time ran out, a suspicious bolt of lightning erupted from a hot air balloon drifting overhead, but if Hammish was its target, then the balloonist/sorcerer should be ashamed of himself, as the wily goblin nimbly dodged out of the bolt's path. Time finally ran out, with the final score a hard-fought one to nothing victory for the Meathooks.

This matches MVP accolades went to the Go'nads' Adam Meway, despite not having accomplished much at all, and to black orc Grunt Skunchman who was a protective force for his allies on the line of scrimmage.